Thursday, May 7, 2009

In the past few weeks, I have found myself asking, why do we always think that there is more, why do we always want something, bigger, better, different, or new? Why can't we ever see exactly what we have and just think, wow I am so lucky.

Last year when I was on holiday in Egypt, I met a guy who was working at the resort who was a windsurfing instructor. It was so refreshing to meet a man there, who was not interested in trying to chat me up or offer 4 thousand camels for my hand in marriage! Everyday we would ask, how are you, and his reply 'I'm ok, I'm alive!' At the time, Mum and I found this hilarious, we still laugh about it, but you know what, he is right, we should be thankful that we are alive, and that we have met the people that are in our lives.

Everyday I get out of bed, I go to the mirror and scrutinise every part of my body, instead I should stand there and think well thank goodness I have all my limbs for example. I am so fed up of this culture where everyone is striving towards an idea that is generally unrealistic. I will never be a size zero, and yet I can't let that go. I don't like my hair colour, I dye it, I want longer hair, I buy hair extensions. Hair that some poor girl has probably sold so she can eat for another week. Here in Athens, I walk along, wishing I was at home, and then I will pass a lady who is rummaging through the wheelie bin for food or clothing. Hows that for a cold and brutal reality check?

The thing that has really hit me while I have been living in Greece, is just how happy I was before I left. I thought I was bored, I didn't like the job, I wanted more, and yet when I finally got more, the thing I wanted most in the world was to go back to how life was before I left the UK. I am making a resolution to always take a proper look at all the things I have before ever making such a massive decision ever again.

And the most important thing, I think, is that you could be anywhere, with anyone, but as long as your happy, that's the key. I now know, I need to nearer my home, that I want to be back in my city, London, and to finally appreciate everything I have, and all the things to come all these exciting experiences, and to try to stop focusing on the negativity that surrounds us all.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Questions, Questions

This month I was so excited to know I would be back in England if only for a short time. I knew in Athens that I had not been myself, but I didn't quite realise the extreme effect this has had on me. I have spent the past week at home, with a million questions flying about in my head, being a real cow to all my nearest and dearest, and basically trying to figure out who I am.

I feel like I have become this shell of the person I used to be, the person in the photos looks like so much fun, and I just feel like I don't know how to get back to this. I hate the way this feeling has just come along, and consumed me. It's like I can't see anything for what it really is. I'm suspicious, paranoid, and up and down like a yo-yo. My mum had to remove me from the dressing room of River Island as I went through the beginnings of the melt down because their way too small sized jeans didn't fit properly. The boy took me away to Norfolk, and I couldn't even decide what to order in the restaurants without having help. This decision thing is the worst of all.

This has definetly happened from being in Greece, its this whole food thing. I just had enough of it. Since I have been back, yes I have been struggling, but I havent heardly thought about my life in Greece. The thought of the flat, the place, the work, I don't want it. I could quite easily leave it all behind. The thought f having to go back, even for one month really worries me. I don't want to loose anymore of me.

So many questions are flying round in my head, and I can't articulate anything. I am so aware of everything I do, everything I think. When is this going to stop?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Top Ten Things I Love

1) Spending time with my family, boyfriend, and friends.

2) Spending hours talking to my girls on the phone - me and K can make at least a three hour call!

3) Shoes!

4)Walking! My uncle would wet himself laughing if he saw that as one of my things I love to do, but i really do like it! YOu can just either not think about anything, or spend the whole time daydreaming!!

5) Having us time with the boy. Its not a common occurence what with me being in Greece, so when we have time for us, its the best thing.

6) English clothes shops and supermarkets - sorry Greece, you just don't compare, not with the like sof Primark and New Look.

7) Animals, my cat, well cats in general. I like to talk to the many greecian stray cats while passers by look at me as if I'm some deranged idiot.

8) Potatos - roast, mashed, jacket, sautee, chipped, it doesn't matter, I love them!

9) Baking - I'm actually quite good at this, despite my distrous attempts at proper cooking, baking I can do!

10) The Sunday Times Travel Magazine - I can't get enough of this magazine. If it came down to food or this, this monthly would win, hands down, every time!

10 - part two) I also love singing, going dancing with my girls, musicals, Cosmopolitan magazine, photographs, Audrey hepburn, Sex and the City,, Soho, the colour pink, Johnny Depp, Chuck and cosmpolitans!!!!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

One of The Hardest Things (Not in a good way!)

So, I figured that when I decided to go and live in Greece for a year, it be this whirlwind of fun, that I would be having so much fun that I wouldn't have a moment to even think about home. How could I have been so wrong?

When I first began to think about a year living in Greece, life in England had been at an all time low. I was bored in my job, I had no boyfriend but had been seeing a few total losers, and just yearned for adventure. My best friend K had been over seas, to the land of Oz, and was constantly uploading albums full of drunken fun and amazing sights. Greece had always been my love, where better to migrate to?

In the months up to leaving the UK, I had this feeling that I might meet someone of the male variety, I laughed with my friends, that this would just be so typical me!! K was back from her travels, and I was so excited that we were going off to Global Gathering. We had numerous phone calls, bubbling full of anticipation of the fun that was in store, and the upcoming reunion! She mentioned that two of her fellow travellers would also be joining us. I added them both on Facebook, you know, it was what a friendly girl like me would do. I chatted with one of them quite a bit, but when I arrived in Stratford on the Global day, I was so excited to see K that I didn't really register the two males following her...until like, hmmm, a minute later!!

Somehow, during the course of the festival our party of four seemed to become two parties of two. I didn't even know how it happened, I just remember that with him, I was having the best time, I was ready to party on for the whole night and the next day! When we left, K and N went one way on the train, and we headed on London way. We had to wait for a train for a couple of hours so we lay down on the ground and cuddled up to keep warm, and went to sleep. On the trian to we slept, I woke up and felt so cramped from all the cold! But it was fine!

We got on very well, we started to see each other, going for dinner, drinks, cinema, bowling, ice skating, I swear if it's on the dating to do list, we did it. Weeks past, and as each week past, I was thinking, errr hello, did we forget we're moving to Greece, what are you doing? I tried to stop, but not very much, I didn't want to. He took me to dinner, and full on three course, and that was it. Nothing I could do.

I couldn't bear the thought of having to leave him, and this thing we had started behind. In fact, every bone in my body was screaming out that it wasn't the end, don't let it be the end. We tiptoed around my going away right up until the day before I was due to go. I must have cried all over him for about two hours about all my concerns for going to Greece. I was starting to think it was the worst decision I have ever made. He listened to me, he let me cry on his shoulder, and didn't seem to mind that it was now soaking wet. We agreed to see how it went, with me there and him in England.

Long distance, it's never the greatest thing in the world, but no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much I ache for him, to just see him, all of that, it's worth it. Sometimes, I miss him so much, I feel like I am going crazy, sometimes he feels so far away, sometimes I feel so close to him, we make an effort for each other, because I wouldn't want it any other way. This is a million times better than the other option we had. It's worth it, 100% worth it, and it always will be.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Sins of Our Fathers

When I was on my way back to Athens two weeks ago, my main ambition as I waited in departures was to find some nice books to take back with me. Given that The Boy had got me the best Marian Keyes book EVER on his visit to Athens, imagine my delight to see an amazing 3.99 offer on some of her books in W H Smiths. I selected a title, bought it and trotted off to board the plan.

I know wish I had not bought this book in particular, or even started to read it. It's amazing what things can be dredged up out of your mind without even a moments warning. This book was entitled Watermelon, and starts with Claire, a mum of one day old gorgeous baby girl, being left in the hospital by her scumbag husband, who has been having an affair. Glorious fiction, and with words and stories that apparently will 'have you laughing out loud' or 'not being able to put it down', as some reviewers tell us on some websites. This story for me, is too close to home. And now, I have to struggle along for the next few weeks, thinking about stuff that has been tucked away behind memories of Me and The Boy for a nice long while, simply minding its own business and not doing anyone any harm until now.

I often wonder if these men, who decide to leave their wives and children, ever wonder about how it affects the children in question. It's all too raw and painful, everyone can see how the wife is feeling, but by the time any type of reaction on the child becomes obvious, Daddy's long gone. I realise that this is a massive general sweeping statement, there are may fathers who still see their children, and don't scarper off to America and abandon all thought of child payments.

When I was small, I enjoyed the memories of all the things me and my Dad had done. When we went to the Euro Tunnel exposition, and he bought me a rubber, or when we went for walks in the forest. One day when was on my way home from school, and I was talking to my Grandparents about memories of me and Daddy time, only to find that I had made all these memories up in my head, they had either not happened or had happened with other family members. I couldn't believe it, I had been so desperate to have something, anything to hold on to as a memory. Turns out, the only ones I had were all pretty much the same, He arrived, He shouted, we cried.

Does he realise that I have trust issues? That he stamped all these issues of trust and rejection all over me when he choose someone else over us? That I have to be aware that something so simple as buying a book, can magically bring everything up, and make me go a bit weird. It's toxic if I'm in a relationship. Which I am.

I am not going to let anything like this get in the way, it's just sometimes, its hard. It's hard to let go of everything, but at the end of the day, the only person who can set you free from this type of bullshit, is yourself, which is the hardest part of all. You can have everyone around you supporting you, but you have to be the one to say No, I'm worth more than this. I'm trying, it's not easy, it never was and never will be, but I'm there.

I'm Ally....and I have a Scumbag Dad. It's nice to meet you.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Enter Daniel Cleaver Stage Right

I think most women have a moment in their life when they think to themselves 'My God - I am actually Bridget Jones!' Well, I hold my hands up and say that I believe I am one of those women who once was in pole position for this title - so much so that one of my best friends, lets call her Married Lady, because, well she is, used to refer to me as Bridg!!

I managed to get a job working as a Sales Exec when I left university. I was very happy with this job, although felt I was always overlooked a little bit. I was the youngest in the office, and started of well in the office dress code department. However, over time, my skirts got shorted, and probably always erred on the side of not quite smart enough. Having said that, no one ever made an 'official' comment to me.

I had been working in said office for maybe two months, when the whispers of an Office Party started to be circulated. I was very excited, this wasn't just any Office Party - this was one that was to be held at a big posh hotel in London, with flowing wine and a three course meal. Still being the 'new girl', I was buzzing with excitement, a kind that no one else could understand, having got used to these kind of shindigs years ago.

While I had been concentrating on my new job, and all the people in the office, a certain someone, a male someone, had caught my attention, or maybe I had caught his attention, either way, attention had been caught. This was a pretty big thing, given the long legged blonde skinny ladies that floated around our floor. This certain male someone, was Suitor 2, who is also known as Daniel Cleaver by myself and my friends.

Sure enough, the office party went off with a bang, and what proceeded were months of flirtatious office emailing, moments in the kitchen or out in the smoking court, or the occasional lunchtime meeting, all of which was done in top secret, neither wanted to become office gossip. During these months I was to discover, that Suitor 2, was indeed a tip top sample of TOXIC MAN.

Ahhh the Toxic Man - one who will always make you think they are interested but keep their distance enough to always keep you guessing, they make you feel delicious, irresistible, totally gorgeous, and most importantly, they make you feel like total and utter crap as well. They love the chase but soon loose interest the minute they get what they want, but they like it even more if what they want is unavailable.

Even when said Suitor managed to get himself a girlfriend he was still keeping me dangling, just waiting, always saying just enough to make me think he still liked me. The good news is that, as I watched Suitor 2 flirt away with Aussie Chick, and all the other blondes in the office, I began to think I was better than all this. Yes, he was very handsome, but also kind of perverted, making lewd suggestions, and gradually I began to get a reality check on the whole situation. This was mainly thanks to Aussie Chick, we had a drunken meeting of minds in which we exchanged stories about the man in question, and made an un-said pact. Which I managed to stick to.

Of course, if there was a Daniel Cleaver hanging around, there should also be a Mark Darcy type also in sight...but that's a whole other story!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Episode 2 - Is there a sane man in the room?

I have heard some stories from my friends that would seriously put you off from ever going near the male species ever again.

One in Particular came from Aussie Chick. She had been enjoying her time in London to it's full extent, and was a particularly partial to an English genleman or two! One of these such encounters went like this:

She had met an especially yummy specimen, we'll call him A. She and A had met in a club, and were enjoying one of those delicious moments when no one else exists in the club or bar apart from the two of you, the chemistry is there, and the conversation is flowing, and you are secretly congratulating yourself on the witty banter you are coming out with.

Aussie chick decides, it's time to seal the deal - she and A are out on the London pavement hailing down the modern girls horse and carriage to whisk them back to her apartment....

The next morning, she awoke in the morning-after-glow, happily reaching over to the other side of the bed to pull A towards her for round 2. But A wasn't lieing peacefully next to her, she forced her sleep - riden eyes open, and looked around the room. Her gaze finally landed on a head at the end of her bed bobbing up and down. 'What the hell is going on' Aussie chick wonders, and pulls the covers up only to reveal A going like the clappers, moaning and groaning while he is enjoying t a moment of DIY. This is bad, but it got a whole lot worse when Aussie Chick see's its not actually her he's all hot and bothered about, but her feet that have got him all hot and bothered.

Needless to say, after A's foot fetish was discovered, he never got a second look at Aussie Chick or her tootsies ever again.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Episode 1 - The Spontaneous Undresser

I once went on a date with a friend I had known since high school, and to be honest, I had always had a bit of a crush on him. Let's call him Suitor 1. He was someone who I had done a few bits of drama with, and that all the girls fancied. I had a boyfriend at school so I wasn't that interested, but thought he was good looking and ever so charming. He had a variety of different hair colours, mostly sported a Sonic the Hedgehog do, and I am talking full on spikes!

So, every girl goes through a time when they feel they need a boost. Suitor 2, who you will get to hear more about another time, had decided to move on to another of the hotties in the office, and so I decided to see if Suitor 1 would like to meet for a date. I emphasize - A DATE. Some dinner, maybe some drinks, and then we could maybe see, if we had had fun, if another date would be on the cards.

We had agreed to meet in Waterloo Station. Admittedly I had been for a drink with my friend from work, Aussie Chick who Suitor 2 was busy chatting up. As I had had to sit across from them flirting at the pub opposite the office I was glad to make my get away. As I walked in to the Station, I looked around with bated breath to see if I could spy Sonic waiting for me. Sure enough there he was.

We decided to go to Pizza Express, which was very nice. Nice is a great word. It's not the best description for a date really is it. Being a mere media sales exec, money was causing me a few issues, and so had to go through mortifying experience of explain I hadn't got much money, my date said don't worry you can send me the money when you have it. So far, not so good. Pizza's down, what to do next?

Suitor 1 suggests we go back to my flat to watch a DVD. To which I agreed. Now, I actually meant to watch a DVD...he did not I later found out. Whilst watching 'Turner and Hooch' (of all the DVDs to choose from!!), Suitor 1 suddenly lunges at me, also know as kissing me, and within minutes has taken his shirt and is trying to get mine of as well. I didn't know what to do - should I just keep quiet, after all he did buy me a pizza??!! Or do I say actually don't really fancy you, you big headed fool, now get your paws off?

In the end, I went for a diplomatic 'I don't really want to rush anything'. Suitor 1, suddenly aware he is without shirt, says 'Yes, I'm just hot'. Now if I had been Suitor 1, I would have grabbed my shoes and made a run for it. Apparently, so badly did he want to see the end of film, that he stayed another hour, while I slowly died inside.

Suitor 1 will now be known by my friends forever more as 'The Spontaneous Undresser'.