Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Questions, Questions

This month I was so excited to know I would be back in England if only for a short time. I knew in Athens that I had not been myself, but I didn't quite realise the extreme effect this has had on me. I have spent the past week at home, with a million questions flying about in my head, being a real cow to all my nearest and dearest, and basically trying to figure out who I am.

I feel like I have become this shell of the person I used to be, the person in the photos looks like so much fun, and I just feel like I don't know how to get back to this. I hate the way this feeling has just come along, and consumed me. It's like I can't see anything for what it really is. I'm suspicious, paranoid, and up and down like a yo-yo. My mum had to remove me from the dressing room of River Island as I went through the beginnings of the melt down because their way too small sized jeans didn't fit properly. The boy took me away to Norfolk, and I couldn't even decide what to order in the restaurants without having help. This decision thing is the worst of all.

This has definetly happened from being in Greece, its this whole food thing. I just had enough of it. Since I have been back, yes I have been struggling, but I havent heardly thought about my life in Greece. The thought of the flat, the place, the work, I don't want it. I could quite easily leave it all behind. The thought f having to go back, even for one month really worries me. I don't want to loose anymore of me.

So many questions are flying round in my head, and I can't articulate anything. I am so aware of everything I do, everything I think. When is this going to stop?

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