Thoughts, Confusion, Questions

I have been thinking over the last few weeks about what happens should I meet someone I wish to have a relationship with, I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. It feels like its a sudden threat to take away all my independance and freedom. I have taken to the single life with gusto, I have thrown myself in to living for the moment, having a good time, not worrying to much about what everyone else thinks, and also, probably being a slightly bit selfish.
I kept going on dates with C's friend. To me it was just a bit of fun, someone to hang out with and have a giggle with. To him, it became a bit more. I was up front the whole time, kept saying that I didnt want to be in a relationship, but turns out he just didnt listen. So we had to have the awkward conversation, I had to tell him I just wasnt up for it, and he said he would have wanted me to be his girlfriend. I just can't do it at the moment. Even if I wanted to.
I went on a date with the internet boy. That was not good, he was after one thing, and one thing only. Well, I told him, I am just not that type of girl, to which he said I know, and proceeded to never make contact ever again!!!!
We had the epic girls holiday to Ibiza. Gotta say, it has to be done, I can't wait for next year. iI spent the entirety of it drunk as a skunk, dancing on the bar, and flirting outragously, so much so I now have a date lined up with Ibiza boy we shall call him!!
But as I said, what happens if you meet someone and really like them??
I have been looking at photos of myself since the break up - I dont recognise the person I was before. I look happy now, pretty now, its like I've been liberated. And yet, I miss the Ex something chronic. We're on pretty good terms now. Been for drinks, coffee, met up at festivals, going to a festival next weekend, and also had a massivley drunken night out. It's almost like we're dating - BUT obviosly we are not. I'm not quite sure what I am hoping to get out of this but I know that when we hang out I always have a laugh. It is probably confusing me a bit, and sometimes, after a lot of drink, it feels like there is so much still to be said. But as I have said to him, if he wants to talk about it, he can, I am not starting that conversation. No way! Its all on him.
I think the most important thing i have learnt is that no matter what, your girls will always be there for you. And thats what matters to me at the moment.

Single Gal On The Loose....

Ok, so I mentioned the shocked reaction of me getting back in the saddle, and putting myself back in the game. Gotta say, bloody loving it!!!
So I have had offers from the most unthought of places, the ex's mates stepping forward to help me out for fun and entertainment, I hasten to add both were turned down, got myself on to a dating website, never something I really thought I wanted to do, but what the hell, its all about the self essteem, and have actually got a couple of dates lined up - don't worry I'll be reporting back on those! Guys I knew at uni offering a shoulder to cry on, and ex- colleagues offering up words of support mixed in with horrendous blatant sexual innuendo.
However, I have been on a few dates with a friend's friend. C, who I work with, took it upon herself to give a few helpful nudges to having a ganders at each others profiles (ahh Facebook, how we love you!!) and then there was a whole heap of messaging, and then one terrible drunk phone call ( or three!!) from myself which led to the setting up of the FIRST DATE. Bloody hell, it literally has been years since I put myself in to the first date situation, so much to think about, what do I wear? what if there's nothing to talk about? What if I totally embarass myself?
Well, I really needn't have worried, because within two minutes of meeting, I did exactly that. Embarrassed myself. Now, I am pretty used to this. I noramlly say something dumb or fall over or something like that. This time, I reached a whole new level. Kiss on the cheek to greet?? Nope, not me!! Hows a bout a nice firm handshake!! Oh it makes me cringe just thinking about it!! The worst thing was I didnt realise jju7st how cringey it was until the next day when I was telling my friend!!
Luckily, it can't have been so bad, as I have since been on quite a few dates with the Leprecorn! And will probably keep making a fool of myself, but at least I can laugh at myself!!

Rules, Regualtions and Loving Myself!

So its a month and a half since the boy became the ex. Some days are really good, and I feel on top of the world and like I could do anything. Some days are pretty rubbish, but I have found that I have no tears left to cry. Even if I want to, i can't. Which is both frustrating and good at the same time. In these past few weeks, I have found that there are suddenly a million new rules about how you can and can not behave towards the ex:
No, you can not talk to them.
No, you must not show them how you really feel.
No, you can not tell them everything going round in your head, like I knew you'd end up doing this.
Don't cry, be strong.
WHAT??? You're going on a date....don't you think its a bit soon???
Well, no actually, I don't think its too bloody soon. So wait, let me get this straight?? Its wrong to moop about in my pjs, only getting out of bed for a ben and jerry's run, and generally looking like Bigfoot?? And, wait, its wrong to go out and meet new people, get your confidence up, start to feel attractive again?? Hasn't the Ex and That Relationship already taken up far too much of my important time??
To be honest, things with the Ex, well we're on speaking terms now. I do believe, no matter how foolish it might be, that we will be good friends in good time IF he makes the effort. I am still unsure about how we get past the whole cheating bit, but I'm working on it. Sometimes, it feels like we were never really together, mainly because I don't reeally recognise who I was then. Who i am now, well she's just so much more fun, and I can actually say that Yes I love who I am now. And that is worth 1 million quid in itself. Yes, its been shit, and it'll still be shit occassionaly with sleepless nights, and made up conversation and scenarios filling my head, but I do think he did me a massive favour, and one day, I will have to say ta very much!!!

Its Been A While Since....

So yes, its been an age since I tapped away to my blog - I'm sorry blog for neglecting you for a whole year! So quick update, in this time I have left Greece, moved to Essex, have been working as a Learning Support Assistant, made new lovely friends, my best friend had her baby, my other best bud returned from her travels (horray :)), started pole dancing, and , unfortunatly, had my heart broken :(.

It amazes how much everything changes so quickly, sometimes it's like you don't have time to breathe. I hate how everyone else can make desicions that are so massive, its like having the ground ripped from underneath you, and in that second your whole world can come crumbling down around you, while you're trying to steady yourself and process all the information.

The Boy got a new city job, thats where it all begins. I, like a mug, helped him with getting said job, lots of helping to write covering letters, and prep for interview. So why, when he got the job, could I not shake this horrid feeling that something was going to go very very very wrong. But, like a mug, I shoke the feelings off, and tried to be positive and excited for him. All I was hearing was about money, and the amazing new job. Then all of a sudden he was going to move....and worse, mentioning a 'new person'. Non - gender specific, its just so see -through. Please give me some credit. I knew he was getting a crush, I just knew it, but we'd been together for 2 years, and we made it through the hell that was Greece, so I had nothing to worry about right?? HA! 10 days the new person had been there, I should really ask them for some lessons on how to snare men, I'm guessing it starts by giving lots of information about 'how your ex boyfriend dumps you for not being sexually attractive!!!' This is a new breed of girl, who doesn't care about the other girl, and its not pretty. She doesn't care, she has your man in her sights, and thats it. And then as if he made up his mind on the tube journey home, it was suddenly over. I think he got swept up with the new job - the new life. Apparently he no longer wants a relationship, I don't think these things can change so quick, but there's nothing I can do about it - no matter how much I want to. He ruined us.

I am pleased to say that I am a Nice Girl. I have been appraoched in my new single state by blokes with girlfriends - for fun and excitemenet. There's no way on earth I am going to put another girl through what I have been through. What is wrong with these men?????? Please someone tell me!!

Gotta say, pretty impressed with myself. Its been two and a half weeks. Think I'm doing pretty well. There jave been the totally shitty days, where I want to stay in bed, pull the duvet over my head and cut off all contact. BUT I havent allowed it. Get Up. Put Your Make Up On. Wear Bright Clothes. Talk To Your Friends (yes they are sick of hearing 'how could he do this??' for the hundredth time, but you know what, you're there for them whens its shit, its what Nice Girls do!!). Listen To Music As Loudly As Possible. Get A Haircut. Go On Holiday. Retail Therapy. Sex And The City. FLIRT With Everyone! Eat The Rainbow (thanks K!!) Let Your Mum Spoil You. Have Your Hair Done. DO NOT go on Facebook - its the worst thing you can do, especially if she is busy making it clear she has her claws in him now. Its Self Torture and you don't need it. Whats going through your mind is enough!!!!!Most importantly, ENJOY THE FREEDOM YOU HAVE SUDDENLY GAINED!!! It's exciting!! I'm not saying that I am enjoying everyday, and it is hard. But remember what that wise old person said 'Its better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all' xxx

In the past few weeks, I have found myself asking, why do we always think that there is more, why do we always want something, bigger, better, different, or new? Why can't we ever see exactly what we have and just think, wow I am so lucky.

Last year when I was on holiday in Egypt, I met a guy who was working at the resort who was a windsurfing instructor. It was so refreshing to meet a man there, who was not interested in trying to chat me up or offer 4 thousand camels for my hand in marriage! Everyday we would ask, how are you, and his reply 'I'm ok, I'm alive!' At the time, Mum and I found this hilarious, we still laugh about it, but you know what, he is right, we should be thankful that we are alive, and that we have met the people that are in our lives.

Everyday I get out of bed, I go to the mirror and scrutinise every part of my body, instead I should stand there and think well thank goodness I have all my limbs for example. I am so fed up of this culture where everyone is striving towards an idea that is generally unrealistic. I will never be a size zero, and yet I can't let that go. I don't like my hair colour, I dye it, I want longer hair, I buy hair extensions. Hair that some poor girl has probably sold so she can eat for another week. Here in Athens, I walk along, wishing I was at home, and then I will pass a lady who is rummaging through the wheelie bin for food or clothing. Hows that for a cold and brutal reality check?

The thing that has really hit me while I have been living in Greece, is just how happy I was before I left. I thought I was bored, I didn't like the job, I wanted more, and yet when I finally got more, the thing I wanted most in the world was to go back to how life was before I left the UK. I am making a resolution to always take a proper look at all the things I have before ever making such a massive decision ever again.

And the most important thing, I think, is that you could be anywhere, with anyone, but as long as your happy, that's the key. I now know, I need to nearer my home, that I want to be back in my city, London, and to finally appreciate everything I have, and all the things to come all these exciting experiences, and to try to stop focusing on the negativity that surrounds us all.

Questions, Questions

This month I was so excited to know I would be back in England if only for a short time. I knew in Athens that I had not been myself, but I didn't quite realise the extreme effect this has had on me. I have spent the past week at home, with a million questions flying about in my head, being a real cow to all my nearest and dearest, and basically trying to figure out who I am.

I feel like I have become this shell of the person I used to be, the person in the photos looks like so much fun, and I just feel like I don't know how to get back to this. I hate the way this feeling has just come along, and consumed me. It's like I can't see anything for what it really is. I'm suspicious, paranoid, and up and down like a yo-yo. My mum had to remove me from the dressing room of River Island as I went through the beginnings of the melt down because their way too small sized jeans didn't fit properly. The boy took me away to Norfolk, and I couldn't even decide what to order in the restaurants without having help. This decision thing is the worst of all.

This has definetly happened from being in Greece, its this whole food thing. I just had enough of it. Since I have been back, yes I have been struggling, but I havent heardly thought about my life in Greece. The thought of the flat, the place, the work, I don't want it. I could quite easily leave it all behind. The thought f having to go back, even for one month really worries me. I don't want to loose anymore of me.

So many questions are flying round in my head, and I can't articulate anything. I am so aware of everything I do, everything I think. When is this going to stop?

Top Ten Things I Love

1) Spending time with my family, boyfriend, and friends.

2) Spending hours talking to my girls on the phone - me and K can make at least a three hour call!

3) Shoes!

4)Walking! My uncle would wet himself laughing if he saw that as one of my things I love to do, but i really do like it! YOu can just either not think about anything, or spend the whole time daydreaming!!

5) Having us time with the boy. Its not a common occurence what with me being in Greece, so when we have time for us, its the best thing.

6) English clothes shops and supermarkets - sorry Greece, you just don't compare, not with the like sof Primark and New Look.

7) Animals, my cat, well cats in general. I like to talk to the many greecian stray cats while passers by look at me as if I'm some deranged idiot.

8) Potatos - roast, mashed, jacket, sautee, chipped, it doesn't matter, I love them!

9) Baking - I'm actually quite good at this, despite my distrous attempts at proper cooking, baking I can do!

10) The Sunday Times Travel Magazine - I can't get enough of this magazine. If it came down to food or this, this monthly would win, hands down, every time!

10 - part two) I also love singing, going dancing with my girls, musicals, Cosmopolitan magazine, photographs, Audrey hepburn, Sex and the City, asos.com, Soho, the colour pink, Johnny Depp, Chuck and cosmpolitans!!!!